I’ve tossed and turned trying to figure out how to start this post. This is a topic that isn’t discussed enough and makes many people uncomfortable. Miscarriage also makes people feel like a statistic. Miscarriage makes people feel shameful. I’m going to tell you my story in hopes that it helps someone. I know my story has helped a few already and in return is helping me heal.
When I was young, I never thought a miscarriage or any issues during pregnancy would ever happen to me! I remember filling out papers at the doctor and it would say number of pregnancies and number or children. I was SO confused! What a silly question! Well, now that question is one of the hardest questions to answer.
Here’s my story: we felt it was time to add to our family after L was a certain age. I became pregnant quickly and all was great. I had a few appointments and the baby was perfect. Around 10 weeks I had spotting and went to the doctor. Everything was fine. A few days past and I knew something was wrong. I went to the doctors right away. Then I heard the words I feared but also knew were coming…”I’m so sorry, there is no longer a heartbeat.”. I was given 3 options for my “spontaneous abortion”. After speaking with my husband (who was right there with me as soon as he could be) I chose to have a d&c a few days later. Over the weekend the baby passed naturally. My girlfriends were so loving and caring. They took L so Matt and I could be together and just try to figure out what was going on. This was so difficult. What did I do? Did I cause this? We already had so many plans for this baby! We were told the statistics and how unusual it was after seeing/hearing a heartbeat to miscarry.
As time went by, we decided to try again. We read so many articles and had midnight googling sessions about successful pregnancies after miscarriages. The rate of losing another baby was super low. We were mentally ready.
Just like last time, I quickly became pregnant. We were excited but nervous. My doctor had me come in right away and I had many checkups from 5 weeks. It helped ease my mind! Baby had a strong heartbeat! All was great! I had some spotting but again all was ok…I was about 12 weeks pregnant. I took L to visit my parents 8 hours away and left Matt home to work and hang with Zoey.
During the week I had spotting and called the nurses line multiple times a day. I finally decided to go to the local hospital since something just wasn’t right. I had some test taken and an ultrasound done. The tech was young and new. She started to tear up. I knew already this baby was no longer with me. I heard the words again…”no heartbeat”. Matt left work and drove to meet us at my parents. We stayed the night and were going to drive back to Columbus in the morning.
I figured we could make it back to Columbus to see my doctor since I had a few days before the baby passed the last time. I was so wrong. I began to bleed very heavily. We stopped at a rest stop and I thought I could make it. Sadly, I passed the baby there but the bleeding was so bad I had to go to a local hospital in the middle of nowhere PA.
Matt drove quickly to a little 12 room hospital where I was told I had to have an emergency d&c or I might hemorrhage and/or die. My little family sat at this hospital for hours while I had surgery.
How did I lose two babies? Why did my body do this? We wanted those babies so much. We loved them. They were ours and we were theirs. Sadly, we will never know exactly why I lost them. There were no major issues and we didn’t have testing done.
After some time we decided to try one more time. I was scared. We were scared. Today my Rainbow Baby is almost 16 months old. So I have 2 living children and 2 Angel babies.
I know many people do not discuss miscarriage. I am so thankful for the support of my family and friends. Without my friends, I don’t know how I would have gotten through these miscarriages. My husband was amazing but he was also grieving in his way. My girlfriends and their kiddos made sure I was keeping busy. They listened to me talk about my miscarriages (many times) and they were shoulders. They showed such incredible empathy while all were learning and going through this motherhood thing all together.
My family was also very supportive and loving.
My goal with sharing my story is to help others who may have had miscarriages or who have family or friends who have. It’s a hard topic to discuss and it’s even harder to talk to a person who is going through a miscarriage if you have never experienced one. Talking about my horrible experiences is helping me heal. I think about my babies every day. They have names. They will forever be with us. As I said before, they are ours and we are theirs.